This blog post has been in the works for a while and I'd hesitated even writing it because it's kind of personal.  I decided to go ahead and share it for all of those women out there who sometimes feel discouraged and resentful of their circumstances.  I love my life, but every now and then I get angry when I think about how difficult things are for us sometimes.  I literally have to take a step back and think about how I got here and how it was God's plan all along for me to be in this moment right now.
For most of my 20's, I wanted to be a career woman.  In fact, I wasn't even sure I wanted to have kids for a while, and if I did decide to have them I wanted to have a successful career in place first.  My mom was a working mom and I knew that's what I'd do eventually too once I had my ideal career and perfect circumstances.

My college graduation, wedding to Jason, and move to St. Louis all happened within a month's time.  Since I was coming off of a stressful last year of school on top of wedding planning, we (actually I) decided I would take about a month off before really hunting for a job.  When my month was up, I started researching what kind of jobs I was interested in and started applying.  I kept a very organized binder full of jobs I wanted to apply for, ones I had applied for, and ones that had responded back with a yes or no.  I started applying for jobs and sending out resumes and cover letters.

I was actually surprised when no one responded back.  It was literally like that movie Post Grad ("but I'm a college graduate!").  Before long, I started lowering my standards and applying for jobs that I didn't really want.  I got several interviews and a few second interviews.  All of my interviewers said the same thing, "We really like you, we'll call you this week with our final answer."  I never got another call from any of them and when I called them I was placed on hold.  Every.  Single.  Time.  I was beginning to think St. Louis was full of liars.  I started getting rejected for jobs I was over qualified for.  I was told I "wasn't ready" for jobs that were exactly what I had a degree in.  One popular and trendy retail store manager had all but officially handed me the paper work hiring me, when the general manager turned up her nose and told me I wasn't right for the job.

When my binder was too full to add any more papers in to it (all full on the rejection side), I threw the whole thing out and took another break.  It had been two years since I had graduated from college and not a single person in all of St. Louis wanted to hire me.  My self-esteem took a major blow that it took me a while to come back from.  I went through a phase where I would roll out of bed at noon, move to the couch, and not get up again until bedtime.  I watched daytime TV and thought about how pathetic I was.

After a while, I started applying for jobs again and was finally hired part-time at a local boutique, where it became clear I was never going to advance in my career.  I would always stay exactly where I was there.  Thankfully I landed a job at a non-profit company a couple of years later and left the boutique job.  I loved my current job and was hoping to advance in my career there, but that wasn't meant to be either.

I remember being pregnant and sobbing as I researched online for day care providers.  I wasn't sure I was going to be able to leave my baby somewhere while I went to work.  I knew people did it every day, but I felt like I hadn't even met my baby yet and I was already preparing to hand her over to someone I didn't know.  I was really having a hard time with the day care decision, when at about 7 months pregnant, I found out that budget cuts at work would lead to my hours being cut way back after the first of the year.  My hours were going to be cut so much, that it didn't make sense to even try to find child care or worry about making the drive to a job that I now knew for sure would never advance my career any further.  So, after I had Katherine I made the tough decision to leave that job behind.

Over the next year, I had an epiphany.  God knew all along that I would have a hard time leaving Katherine and going to work.  While I was preparing for my career, God was preparing me to be Katherine's mother.  He knew all along that I would stay home with her.  There was no reason for me working any of those jobs I applied for and thought I wanted because I was meant to do this.  Those first few years were so painful and full of rejection, but they had to happen to bring me to this point.

I don't know what the future holds and I don't know if or when I'll work again, or what I'll even do for work.  I do know that for the first time in my adult life, I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now.  I love being with Katherine each day, I love making scarves for customers on Etsy, and I love writing this blog.  We may not have the money we used to, but being home with Katherine makes me feel fulfilled in a way I never imagined.

I've learned that making your own plans and waiting on them to happen, could mean you're missing out on some of God's precious blessings.  I wasn't meant to be a career woman, at least not yet, but I was meant to be Katherine's mom.  And that's the best job I could have.